Facts are sinking into me bit by bit..

My ambition
Since young, I was greatly inspired a friend’s parents (whom I used to be very close with) who are teachers. I respect their profession, and I wanted to be like them. My childhood ambition then is to be a teacher. I aspire to be somebody to be there to guide the students along their growing up years, to lead them to seek the wisdom.

I refuse to do the 9-5 job, staring at the square box for 8 hours, competing in the rat race. I believe that there are a lot of evil people out there in the world. I believe it is safer ‘inside here’. How bad can it be? Its all for the students’ good.

My experience
From the first day I stepped into my job, my workload was overwhelming. But I was too ignorant, as a young one, I never knew that it was abnormal, until 2 years later. Which is too late, because I have already lost that privilege of what I should deserved then. And now, 2 years later, I am still equally over-loaded. Looking back its seems okie, coz I managed to survive, but what have i got myself into?

“Haggard” is the word that most of my friends speak of when they see me, despite the effort to look slightly good. A tight pat on the shoulder or the concerned look in their eyes makes me ashamed of what I have got myself into.

My Reflection
I never knew this is the kind of life that I will be leading. I just want a simple life, to earn a decent income so that I can support my dear parents so that they can lead a better and relaxed life. I want a normal job where I can spend time with the family, not such a hectic life where I don’t even have time for myself year in year out (except for the June and Dec period, perhaps slightly better). But I learnt, “inside here” it is equally bad. Just that it is another kind of unfathomable bad as compare to the “greens outside”.

True. People come, people go. People don’t stay in one spot permanently. Aspirations and priorities change too. At the end of the day, it’s all about making choices that is the best for oneself and to stay sane.

It’s always easier to say “we should not be affected by changes, we must learn to cope with this 21st century.”

我應該改變自己來適應環境﹐而不是改變環境來適應自己。說的簡單。是問誰又能夠那麼輕鬆的坦然面對﹖

What is the meaning of being strong and resilient? So what if I have proven that yes, I can stretch my limit and “nothing is impossible.”? I don’t want to climb. I just want to lead a normal life. Why am I doing all these?

I used to tell myself that I am doing all these for the kids. Then I started doing it also for my colleagues. Then as my colleagues become my friends, I started doing it for my friends. Then as I think more, I don’t know where I stand.

Reality
Just as I was changing my opinion about some people around me (afterall life is about forgive and forget), reality hits hard. A leopard just wont change its spots. I am utterly disgusted. There are just some people who can be that calculative and just by acting blur (or they are genuinely blur) they can get things their way with/without realising it. While there are also some people who still like to set unrealistic expectations even though things are no longer the same. Sad isn’t it.

I never think that I am kind. I am not as good as you think. I know I am soft-hearted. I know I always get bullied because of the way I behave. I deserve it, right.. Just because I don’t know how to say “No”. It is just a 2-letter word, but I feel it has so much weight on everyone. Just a simple No, the thing will be taji to someone else. Will I be happy just coz I am freed of whatever I want to get rid off while someone else is covering on behalf? Afterall we are all in this together.

And If I choose to let go of certain things and not pre-empt rather than letting it wreck and firefight, wont there be more harm done? Eventually it will come back to me, coz there are just some people who dont give it a damn.

Doing things to achieve the best outcome coz I am obliged to or follow my heart and create the worse case scenario. Which one is more damaging?

I want to save friendships that are drifting apart. I miss the good old days. So I am trying very hard to set time aside for my dear friends. But is it enough??

I want to be a filial daughter. Especially during this tough time when they needed my reassurance. So I am trying very hard to spend quality time with them, to also relieve their financial stress, I am taking more tuition, even it robs away precious time. I want to make them happy.

I want to be a good wife. Especially spending quality time with the hubby, preparing the wedding together. Its not that I am not coping well with the preparation, every single decision made requires time and effort to research, it is time consuming, but I know it is worthwhile.

I want to be a good teacher. Especially giving prompt feedback to the kids. I want to be more knowledgeable, mark more and guide them better in their life. So I am trying to spend more time in my lesson preparation and feedback as well as character development. Will they appreciate it?

Amidst all these, I have already lost myself sub-consciously. Now I see that piece of blouse on the rack, I will think 10 times whether I should buy and finally dismissing the idea that the $ can be saved for buying good food for my parents or saving up for the house. Do you know how hard it is to fight that evil desire (now that my needs seem to become my wants)..

If I were to spend that one hour to blog/ write my diary (which I no longer do) or watch a bit of tv, or to read a story book I will feel guilty. Why ain’t I doing work, eg. marking or preparing for tutorial so that I have more time for who and what.. ridiculous isnt it??!!

It is always easy to take the step out and it takes a bigger man to remain. How much more can you go ahead?

There is also a fine line between endurance and remaining sane. How well can you handle it?

I am tired. I feel myself fluctuating between an excited yet exhausted bride-to-be and being committed yet overwhelmed in work.

quoting from somewhere... "Your attitude makes a dramatic difference on your response and experience to situations. We are all dealt periods in our life that can alter our foundation, our safety. We have the power to choose how to respond to these circumstances. Sometimes it is easier to have a "pity party" for ourselves, which is completely ok and therapeutic. But then it is important to brush ourselves off, raise our heads and move on. "

So theoretically correct answer, right?... =)